Friendships are an important part of life and a blessing from the Lord. It’s beautiful to have friends and enjoy people who love you and you love them. If we are honest with ourselves, we would say that we have different levels of intimacy in our friendships.
The Bible uses different words for “friend” in Hebrew describing different kinds of relationships. Here are some definitions for “friend” in the Old Testament:
H 4828 companion, friend, confidential friend; H 7453 friend, companion, fellow, another person
H 157 to love, lover; H 3045 to know, to perceive; H441 friend, intimate, friend of youth
There are some friendships that are more at the acquaintance level. This could be coworker, neighbor, or a fellow church member. Then there are those who are close friends. They are your confidants. You know what you share stays there, and you are willing to be transparent with them.
There are others who know you very well because they have seen you over the years. They may be long time friends. They have seen your ups and downs, and they are intimately familiar with who you are.
Let’s look at scripture and find out what the Lord asks us to do as a friend and what we should expect in friendships:
1. Choose your friends carefully
The righteous should choose his friends carefully, for the way of the wicked leads them astray. Proverbs 12:26
As a believer, we can’t be casual about whom we choose to be our friend, or who we call a friend. Some people may be a lot of fun to be around but they can have a major character issue such as gossip. While you may enjoy spending time with them, you can find yourself being defiled by their opinion or information they share about someone else. As the scripture tells us, “Evil company corrupts good habits.” 1Corinthians 15:33
2. Don’t look for flattery
He who speaks flattery to his friends, Even the eyes of his children will fail. Job 17:5
Flattery is a serious issue. The Lord doesn’t desire for us to flatter our friends nor does He want us to be flattered by friends. Flattery is a form of deception where one is seen better or more important than they really are. It causes an exaggerated view of self which is a false image. We need to restrain ourselves from participating in flattery. Also, we should not desire to be flattered by friends. Flattery may come in the form of agreeing with you on something that should be challenged. For example, you start talking badly about your husband and how he mistreated you. Instead of your friends asking you tough questions they quickly agree and sympathize with you which may be giving you a wrong perception of the situation. This doesn’t mean that they’re aren’t situations in a marriage which require profession biblical help, but venting to your friend and them agreeing with you is not the help you may need. Friends encourage us in the areas that we are doing well and challenge us in areas we need improvement.
3. Don’t make ungodly commitments
A man devoid of understanding shakes hands in a pledge, and becomes surety for his friend. Proverbs 17:18
Surety in this day and age would look more like cosigning for someone. The scripture basically is telling us that just because someone is our friend, we do not violate God’s principles to meet our friends’ needs. Surety, or cosigning, makes us responsible for someone else’s debt which is an ungodly agreement. If they are in a situation that they can’t afford to pay their debt, then it becomes our responsibility to pay for that debt. Basically we have made ourselves responsible for something that we have very little control over and it keeps us in a vulnerable financial position. We may love our friend very much, but we still need to operate in a good understanding of biblical principles and not do something ungodly for friendship sake.
4. Be willing to do the hard work
Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful. Proverbs 27:6
As iron sharpens iron, So a man sharpens the countenance of his friend. Proverbs 27:17
While having intimate friendships is very enjoyable, there are times that we need to do the hard work of telling each other the truth or be willing to receive truth in some area of our lives. This could hurt for a season. It may feel like we are cut by our dear friend, but we must remind ourselves that our friend loves us and wants the best for us. I would rather have the truth that hurts from a friend than a word of flattery that can keep me in false image of myself. Friends have a great vantage point in our lives to share what they see. Others may feel,” It’s not my business” or” I don’t know them enough to tell them what I see”, but friends have the relationship and the access to speak the truth. Sometimes it takes a risk to do this because it may affect your friendship, but it’s worth taking the risk. The reality is that if the friendship can’t handle speaking truth in love then it is not a solid relationship after all.
5. Give friendships time to be tested
No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you. John 15:15
Jesus walked with His disciples for 3 ½ years before He called them friends. There were many things that He couldn’t share with them at first. There were times that when He shared with them, they misunderstood Him. Peter one time really got it wrong and told Jesus that He wasn’t going to go the cross!! But finally after having spent a good deal of time with the disciples, and having them watch His life and His ministry, Jesus calls them friends. He tells them that He has made known to them everything He hears from the Father.
We need to allow time for our friendships to be tested. Given enough time, we will go through the times of misunderstandings, disagreement, discussion, or debates. That gives us the opportunity to see how we and our friends respond to each situation. This allows us not to be brokenhearted or deeply disappointed if that relationship doesn’t work out. Recognizing that while we really enjoy and love our friend, unless our friendship has been tested, we don’t know where our friendship will stand on the other side of a test!!
6. Keep loving them.
A friend loves at all times, And a brother is born for adversity. Proverbs 17:17
The safest thing we can do for our friendships is to continue to love our friends in spite of differences or disagreements. Love keeps the door open for communication, change, or even reconciliation. That’s our supernatural response in a knee-jerk reaction of our culture!!
We all desire to have close and loving friendships, but unfortunately we live in a relationally disposable culture. We need to stay alert and vigilant. We don’t want our friendships to derail, defile, or dilute us in God’s purpose.
Let’s examine our friendships in the light of above scriptures. Some adjustments or change may be necessary. Let’s pray that we are the kind of friend the Lord desires for us to be, and we want to have the wisdom to choose our friends carefully. Then we can invest time in developing healthy, safe, strong ,and rewarding friendships.